On Being Asian American

A New Development

2005-04-11T22:20:00.000-07:00

Mr. X got the job at 4/4 University! More to follow soon....

Clueless

2005-04-11T01:06:00.000-07:00

As previously mentioned, I am the only person of color in a department of good white liberal ala the late 1960s. Consequently, many of my senior colleagues have a out of date understanding of race, particularly how it operates in academia and in our department. Recently, here at MWU, college adminstration decided that MSU is not diverse enough in its faculty compostion (gasp) and as a result authorized a number of direct hires/affirmative action hires. Our department received such a line and formed a committee. We asked for nominations and asked colleagues within the department, graduate students, and academics outside our institution for a person of color that fit the specific disciplinary need we have in our department. In the end we circulated thirty files and invited one candidate to campus. The candidate who has a tenure track job at a comparable institution gave an amazing talk, has numerous publications (more than many of my tenured colleagues) and a book contract as well as stellar letters of recommendation. We made the offer. While it was a lot of work, I did not anticipate the snarkiness that followed. The chair of my department implied that people of color such as our candidate should be grateful for an opportunity to join our department. I wanted to scream---THE MAJORITY OF ACADEMICS OF COLOR ALREADY HAVE JOBS, WE ARE TRYING TO RECRUIT SOMEONE IN A TENURE TRACK JOB, THIS IS NOT WHITE BENEVOLENCE AT WORK! Another colleague informed me that direct hires were inherently unfair. THIS IS FROM A MAN WHOSE WIFE WAS A SPOUSAL HIRE AND TO DATE SEVEN YEARS BEYOND HER DEGREE HAS FAILED TO TURN OUT ANY PUBLICATIONS! (The couple is white) It seems to me that a spousal hire is also a direct hire. Finally, a STUPID GRADUATE STUDENT WHO I WILL EVENTUALLY BEAT DOWN, asked our candidate if she could teach things beyond identity politics (the student is white.) Do white candidates ever get asked if they can teach beyond their racial identity?

Mr. X Again II

2005-04-10T00:47:00.000-07:00

So I thought long and hard about Prof. Grrrrl's question---do I have a history of being attracted to unavailable men? Yes and no. While in the past I have been known to get involved in relationships that have no future which appealed to my commitment-phobic nature in my twenties, with Mr. X I am thinking long-term---house, vacations, yes and even maybe children (gasp). This is a new development in my dating MO especially since I have been so transient in the past few years. The key to what happens to my current attraction to Mr. X hinges on whether or not he gets the job at 4/4 University. He is supposed to find out tomorrow. Oddly, it never came up in our usual Sunday night conversation (1.5 hours). We talked about everything else. I will be seeing him in mid-May at a workshop at Ivy League University. (I believe Mr. X had a hand in getting my invited to this invitation only workshop).

The issue here is do I let Mr. X know about my feelings or do we continue our friendship as it is. What does it mean that a single man and a single woman talk on the phone (long distance) for at least three hours a week and by email almost everyday? Can I read anything into this?

Mr. X Again

2005-04-08T00:35:00.000-07:00

Sadly, the rendevous did not pan out. My flight was delayed on Sunday and I missed him by 20 minutes. (Sigh) However, even if we had met up, our time would have been limited and constrained given that my flight was coordinated so I could return from my conference and simultaneously pick up our final job candidate of the season. (Have I revealed that as the only junior person in my department, I do all the airport runs for job candidates? The airport is an hour away and this is job candidate #8 this year!) Back to Mr. X.

So rather tham seeing him in person we engaged in our usual Sunday night routine of chatting on the phone. However, this time we were only an hour and a half apart. Mr. X was very nervous given that he was on his first campus visit. I am trying not to think about it too much lest I begin to obsess. I wonder what would happen to our relationship if we were actually in close proximity. I wonder if I have this crush on him BECAUSE he is largely unavailable? Would he drive me crazy if he was a regular part of my life in person? Despite these questions, I will be sadly disappointed if he does not get the job at 4/4 University. (This in and of itself merits a separate posting) Should I continue to pursue Mr. X or should I let it go? Help!

Why is the Spring Semester so Long?

2005-04-06T21:00:00.000-07:00

Flowers are blooming. The weather is warm. Students have stopped reading (ok as if they ever started). Why is the spring semester so long? My mentor here here at Midwest University (MWU) cautioned me to very careful during the month of April because if there is going to be a department meltdown, it almost always happens in April. This maybe true in my own department and consequently I am avoiding being in the department unless it is absolutely necessary because I am the center of some unrest. I am in a department where I am the only junior person. The rest of my colleagues are full or associates with the majority being full professors. They have not had a junior colleague in many years and my position was one the department fought for. On the whole, my department is comprised of well intentioned white liberals who started their careers in the 1960s and 1970s. In fact the majority of my colleagues started their jobs before I was even born. Because they are white liberals they believe they are at the forefront of eradicating racial discrimination. What they don't get is that their model of race is profoundly paternalistic and racist. While I was appointed via a national search, I am constantly made to feel that as a woman of color that I am not grateful enough for the opportunities my white colleagues have offered me in their academic world. What my colleagues don't understand is that I have been mentored in grad school and beyond almost solely by non-white academics. The outdated racial understandings that I have encountered in my department is something out of a bad movie or one of those novels about academia. No one seems to remember that at the time of my appointment, I had multiple offers. My most recent "what's wrong with white people" (WWWWP) moment in my department has been over course offerings. It is assumed that the only thing that I am qualified to teach are topics that reflect my racial/ethnic background despite my interest in other courses. Why is it assumed that white academics can teach and research any subject/topic but academics of color can only contribute to academia vis a vis identity politics? This is just one small example. As I think about my first year in a t-t job, I can only think that it will not be a deadly blow that will take me down but the one million papercuts that will ulitimately do me in.

Happy to Be Home

2005-04-03T22:10:00.000-07:00

It has finally happened. This is the first time I have thought of SMCT as home. After a long weekend of conferencing which was good fun it so nice to be back in my routine. The very things that make a conference fun---good food, hours at the bar, too much coffee---generally wreak havoc on a person's sleeping and eating habits. This is the first time I have attended this conference (which is one of three I attend each year) with a t-t job. Is it my imagination or did I receive better treatment this year with job than I have in previous years? If so, I find it depressing. What I found particularly interesting was the initial contact with academics I did not know.

Academic I do not know (Scans my name tag before deciding to speak to me)
Me (Pissed because I thought dude was looking at my chest)
Academic I do not know So how long have you been at Midwest U?
Me Not too long. (In my head--you creep)
Academic I do not know Do you know Prof. So and So?

And so begins an excruciating conversation. This happened to me three times on the first day of the conference. So as an experiment on day two, I decided not to wear my name tag. Not on person who I didn't know already approached me. I would get a chest scan, and they would move on. What accounts for this bizarre behavior?

Escape

2005-03-29T21:33:00.000-08:00

Joy! I get to escapte SMCT until Sunday. I am headed off for a conference in major city. The only session I plan to attend is my own. It is interesting how a year in a t-t job can change everything. Whereas conferences were (ok still are) fraught with issues too numerous to deal with here, with a job I feel like I have a bit more breathing room. Aside from presenting my paper at 8:30 in the morning (aargh), I plan to:

1. Eat tasty ethnic food. In particular, sushi, Korean, and Mexican.
2. Shop for spring clothes. (Inspired by profgrll!)
3. Run by the water.
4. Talk to editor about the albatross that is my dissertation/book manuscript.
5. Hang out with academic girlfriends. (we have been planning this for a year!)
6. Forget about department drama. (Will post on this soon).

This weekend away will be a good distraction from Mr. X. However, Mr. X and I have a rendevous planned. Mr. X and I had a long conversation last night. He called me! I blew off the gym to chat. Then he called me in the office this morning which was a first. It took me off guard and it took me a moment to get my game back on. In fact, right before he called, I had called one of closest friends. She was with a student and had to call me back. When Mr. X called, I thought it was my girlfriend....

Me: Girl, don't put me off for a student. What has that student done for you lately?
Mr. X Hello? (puzzled)
Me Hello?
Mr. X Ms. Chosun?
Me Yes, who is this? (impatiently)
Mr. X It's me.
Me I am unclear who me is.
Mr. X Mr. X
Me Oh....hi...(warm and fuzzy)

We chatted for an hour or so which was nice given that I teach all day on Tuesday. He caught me during office hours. The downside was that I barely finished grading exams for my afternoon class. We talked a little a shop and in general just chatted. He sounded lonely and stressed. (He has a job interview next week) This is a good sign right? Oh, about our rendevous. I return from my conference on Sunday, he is flying into the same airport for his interview. We get in within forty minutes of each other so we are having coffee.

Mr. X

2005-03-26T12:36:00.000-08:00

Now that I have outed myself as an academic it is time to out Mr. X. He is also a academic. I have committed the ultimate relationship no-no in academia. Never partner up with a academic especially if you are in the same discipline given the two-head one body problem. I know this "rule" yet I am like a moth to a flame when it comes to Mr. X. Should the fact that he is single in his forties be an issue? I have several girlfriends who say yes. I know the "smart" thing to do. I should leave well enough alone. But, I can't. For a number of reasons (another post) I want to pursue a relationship with Mr. X but I don't know how. I do know that I am the closest female friend he has ever had. He openly admits that he tells me things he has never told anyone else. (I am not quite there yet) We have a routine. We always talk on Sunday nights and Friday nights in keeping with our respective teaching schedules. We talk for at least an hour if not more. Even with all this phone time, we talk endlessly when we see each other in person.

I have also exhausted my bag of tricks to suggest that I may have more that friend feelings for him.

1. Cooked an elaborate meal for him.
2. Invited him for a talk at my home institution and put him up for the night.
3. Got him liquored up at a poorly lit bar.
4. Have engaged in low level flirting

What is a girl to do?

Academic Attire

2005-03-25T22:26:00.000-08:00

I realize that the topic of academic attire (not regalia) for women has been thoroughly discussed---here is my two cents. Despite my intent not for this blog to be an academic blog, I am going to out myself as an academic. I am newly minted Ph.D. who relocated from major urban area to small midwest college town (SMCT) where I have a tenure track job (a whole other topic). While not being white has certainly made me an object of curiosity here, my wardrobe has also generated a great deal of comment which in turn has prompted me to think about how academics dress. I want to know when "frumpy white woman garb (see previous post) became the norm for women academics. While again I do not want to generalize, this has been my experience. Perhaps it might have something to do with the the generational history of women entering academia. Who knows?

While I absolutely believe that women should wear whatever they want, I wonder why in academic settings there is a distinct bias against women who are interested in fashion. (The exception here are folks in English departments---a very stylish crowd at the MLA) Invariably, this bias runs something like this---if you are interested in fashion then you can't be a serious academic or gasp---you certainly cannot be a feminist. Simultaneously, there seems to be a coercive dynamic at least on my campus of policing the attire of women academics.

Examples....

1. Wow those heels are really high...how can you walk...do you know how many pounds of pressure you are exerting on the balls of your feet? (translation-wear birkenstocks)
2. Why are you so dressed up today? (translation-where is your shapeless linen shift?)
3. They must certainly pay assistant prof. more than they did when I started. (translation-you spend too much money on clothes)
4. How do you keep your nails so perfect all the time? (translation-I can't believe you waste money on manicures)

Interestingly, all these comments were from senior women colleagues.

I like fashion. I like clothes. I love shoes. None of this makes me a bad academic. The other issue that bothers me is the class dynamic that undergirds much of this discourse. In academic culture for whatever reasons we cannot seem to grapple with our own class position. In fact among many academics exists an open contempt for a certain kind of consumerism---fashion, personal grooming etc. However, this does not mean that academics do not engage in consumerism. There is a consumerism that is acceptable among academics---wine, vacations, hybrid cars, food etc. Why can't both types of consumerism coexist? What I am particularly offended by academics who frown on the kind of consumerism I engage in i.e. clothes, shoes, etc.

What I am even more astonished by is that I don't think my wardrobe is all that. I favor suits and heels and not just because I like the look of a suit (which i do). There is also the issue of authority and appearance that women of color must grapple with in academia.

My look for work...

1. The well tailored suit.
2. Heels
3. Cashmere
4. Silk stockings
5. A nice watch
6. A nice handbag
7. Manicure/pedicure

While it may appear costly it really isn't. I actually have a very small wardrobe. I would much prefer one fantastic pair of shoes rather than ten pairs that are so-so. In fact this is why I only have two handbags, one watch, two suits and a minimal amount of other clothing.

A few guidelines....tongue and cheek of course!

1. Sneakers (unless a "lifestyle" shoe) are for the gym and the gym only.
2. Track pants, athletic garb, etc. should be only worn at the gym or enroute to the gym.
3. No elasticized clothing. Fitted clothing in general is flattering for every size and figure.
4. While it is a multi-cultural world, there should be limits on what an individual who lives in the West can borrow in terms of fashion. So....
a. Do not use chopsticks to put your hair up
b. Dashikis, kimonoes, etc are not for everyone---in general do not don a national costume that is not your own
c. The same applies for bindis, henna tattoos, etc
5. Irons are cheap. So is a lint roller. Buy them, use them, love them.
6. While natural fibers are nice. Linen is for the summer. A beautiful crisp linen dress. An elegant pair of linen pants. A fashion do. Over fifty percent of one's wardrobe a natural fiber/drawstring disaster area---A fashion don't.
7. It is much better to invest in one beautifully made article of clothing than several cheaper less well made items.
8. Do not shop where your students shop...unless they are patronizing Prada or Versace :). So this means, except for casual wear, the GAP is out. Plus, who wants committ the faux pas of showing up in the same coat/jacket/shirt as your student!
9. Well made clothes and interesting clothes are available at all price points! Think Target.

Feel free to contribute to this list and I will update!

Friday Shuffle

2005-03-25T17:46:00.000-08:00

No Apologies....Enjoy!

1. Catch My Disease---Ben Lee
2. Thieves Like Us---New Order
3. The Laws Have Changed---The New Pornographers
4. Brian Wilson---Barenaked Ladies
5. Dandelions in Bullet Holes---Sarah Harmer
6. The Luckiest---Ben Folds
7. Will You Love Me Tomorrow---Wilco
8. Lullabye for a Stormy Night---Vienna Teng
9. Everything Changes---Matthew Sweet
10. Don't Break the Heart---Laura Cantrell

Is This Just Friends?

2005-03-23T22:15:00.000-08:00

I made it into the office today but office drama forced me to leave early to engage in bit of retail therapy and a haircut. So I drove to medium size city which is about 45 minutes away. I was in search of the perfect pair of spring sandals but came away empty handed. I think part of my reluctance to purchase anything was due to the fact that I will be in major urban area in a week and a half with much better shopping venues. Despite being surrounded by people, I felt profoundly alone today. In many ways I have for most of my life been pretty solitary. (I am not going to elaborate the difference between lonely and solitary here). But lately, I have been feeling lonely. I wonder if I feel this way because this is a new town, a new job, etc. or is it a process of getting older. So needless to say I felt a bit glum on my drive home. I did chat with one of my closest friends which cheered me considerably but I still felt disconnected. After substantial moping on the couch, how happy was I that Mr. X called. For those of you keeping track, this is call number two this week. We talked for two hours about all sorts of stuff---job stuff (he is interviewing for a job), books, and general nonsense. By the end of the two hours, I felt connected again. While I am deeply concerned about his prolonged adolescence, it has been a very long time since I have connected with someone in a way that feels so easy and unencumbered by artifice. In general I have been reluctant to get involved with KA men because of cultural baggage. However, I know that Mr. X has this baggage but for some reason I am willing to overlook it for now The question here is both macro and micro. Can men and women really be friends? Is a regular pattern of two hour conversations "more than friends?"

Badly Dressed

2005-03-22T23:57:00.000-08:00

While I will try to refrain from making broad racial/ethnic generalizations in this blog, I do have a few observations. What is going on with frumpy white women in SMCT? You know who you are. Why do you love the following?

1. Shapeless linen garb
2. Shoe brands including: Birkenstock, Born, Dansko, Merrill
3. Garishly patterned socks with the aforementioned footware
4. Fabric bags made primarily in Guatemala
5. "Ethnic" jewelry
6. Oversized everything

If you subscribe to any of the above see

marcjacobs.com/landing.html

Playing Hard to Get

2005-03-21T21:53:00.000-08:00

Why is it that when you shower attention on men the response you generate is generally lukewarm at best. So, I decided that I will NOT call Mr. X. (I will however return his call). So as the weekend slipped away yesterday, the only thing of course I wanted to do was to call Mr. X. I think part of the burning desire to call Mr. X was a result of a Sunday that started too late. Since it was signficantly after noon when I managed to get up, I decided to spend the afternoon working in a coffeeshop here in small midwest college town (SMCT). In fact this is the first signficant amount of time I have spent in a public space in SMCT since I moved here in August. The coffeeshop itself is one of those painfully wanna-be-hip places where the decorating scheme is "thrift store chic.' I set up my laptop at a large table where there were others also working. As ususal I was the only non-white person there. It was clear that two of my tablemates knew each other. I think they were grad students. This is a recap of their conversation.

White person 1: I love SMCT. I would never live anywhere else. Compared to "large urban metropolitan area" 45 minutes away. SMCT has so much more to offer. It is so diverse.

White person 2: It is diverse. It is like the United Nations. Look around.

(White person 1 and 2 look approvingly toward my direction)

Mind you, I am the ONLY non-white person in the room. By virtue of my presence I have tranformed painfully wanna be hip coffeeshop into the United Nations. As they smiled approvingly, I stared them down until they were clearly uncomfortable. It was clear they wanted me to "perform." That is they wanted me to behave in such a way that they would feel like good white liberals. What's wrong with white people? (WWWWP)

However, despite this, I managed to get a bit of work done. After some errands and a previous engagement I made it home. Spent the evening reading my favorite blogs and trying not to think about Mr. X, which means that I thought about him all night. It took every effort not to call him. Finally, sheer exhaustion drove me to bed and I was saved.

Today was a busy work day. I actually worked from home and was productive and finished a long standing project. Mr. X was still lurking on the edges of my consciousness but a good long run drove him out. But when I got home, there was a message and I called him back. We rehashed his most recent visit (last week), talked shop, and gossiped. Mr. X calling is a rather new phenomenon. Whereas, in the past I would always initiate contact, I felt a bit sad that he didn't call even though I know that he likes to talk to me. I think Mr. X is now accustomed to having me in his life but he is not quite sure what to make of it. In fact, tonight Mr. X sounded lonely and was very sweet on the phone. Importantly, his call short-circuited any potential crazy behavior on my part.

What's Wrong With Korean American Men? Part II

2005-03-20T22:22:00.000-08:00

Of course my issue about prolonged adolescence. and Korean American men stems from my current involvement with such a man (Mr.X). I am thirty something, he is forty something. We have known each other for over a year. We met through our professional pursuits/interests. It is only in the last three months or so that I have discovered that I may have "more than friends" feelings for him. Ironically, Mr. X is someone that I would have NEVER have given a second glance to in my twenties. He is also the first KA man that I have been seriously attracted to. He lives on the East coast, I live in the Midwest but we see each other on a semi-regular basis. On average we spend at least two hours a week on the phone and when we see each other, we generally spend our time doing "dating activities"---museums, nice dinners etc. But, it has not gone any further. While in the larger world of dating, it may appear that "he's just not that into me," I just don't know.

A quick factual run-down on Mr. X...

1. In his forties and has not been in any relationship longer than three months.
2. Insists that he is straight.
3. Comes from a fairly wealthy KA family
4. Ivy-league pedigree
5. Considers me a close friend
6. Does not have a lot of friends
7. Solitary in nature (largely due to the profession we are in)
8. Very close to his family. This allows for our semi-regular contact since I live near his family in the Midwest
9. A devout Christian but politically liberal
10. Is a very good friend.
11. Has not dated signficantly for a long time---maybe in about five years

What's Wrong With Korean American Men?

2005-03-19T19:32:00.000-08:00

A recent (and persistent) topic of conversation among my KA girlfriends is the pitfalls of dating Korean American men. While this is not a KA male bashing post, I am interested in assessing the issue of the prolonged adolesence of KA men in their thirties and yes even into their forties! Everyone KA girl knows one---that KA dude that has been clubbing since the 1980s, that dude who can't make a committment about anything. What dynamics allow for the existance of such creatures? The issue of the prolonged adolesence of the Korean American dude is something that weighs heavily on mind as of late given my own involvement with such an individual.

Making the Jump

2005-03-19T19:25:00.000-08:00

After a few months of lurking in the blogsphere I have decided to participate formally in the blogscape. So here I go!