A New Development

Mr. X got the job at 4/4 University! More to follow soon....

Clueless

As previously mentioned, I am the only person of color in a department of good white liberal ala the late 1960s. Consequently, many of my senior colleagues have a out of date understanding of race, particularly how it operates in academia and in our department. Recently, here at MWU, college adminstration decided that MSU is not diverse enough in its faculty compostion (gasp) and as a result authorized a number of direct hires/affirmative action hires. Our department received such a line and formed a committee. We asked for nominations and asked colleagues within the department, graduate students, and academics outside our institution for a person of color that fit the specific disciplinary need we have in our department. In the end we circulated thirty files and invited one candidate to campus. The candidate who has a tenure track job at a comparable institution gave an amazing talk, has numerous publications (more than many of my tenured colleagues) and a book contract as well as stellar letters of recommendation. We made the offer. While it was a lot of work, I did not anticipate the snarkiness that followed. The chair of my department implied that people of color such as our candidate should be grateful for an opportunity to join our department. I wanted to scream---THE MAJORITY OF ACADEMICS OF COLOR ALREADY HAVE JOBS, WE ARE TRYING TO RECRUIT SOMEONE IN A TENURE TRACK JOB, THIS IS NOT WHITE BENEVOLENCE AT WORK! Another colleague informed me that direct hires were inherently unfair. THIS IS FROM A MAN WHOSE WIFE WAS A SPOUSAL HIRE AND TO DATE SEVEN YEARS BEYOND HER DEGREE HAS FAILED TO TURN OUT ANY PUBLICATIONS! (The couple is white) It seems to me that a spousal hire is also a direct hire. Finally, a STUPID GRADUATE STUDENT WHO I WILL EVENTUALLY BEAT DOWN, asked our candidate if she could teach things beyond identity politics (the student is white.) Do white candidates ever get asked if they can teach beyond their racial identity?

Mr. X Again II

So I thought long and hard about Prof. Grrrrl's question---do I have a history of being attracted to unavailable men? Yes and no. While in the past I have been known to get involved in relationships that have no future which appealed to my commitment-phobic nature in my twenties, with Mr. X I am thinking long-term---house, vacations, yes and even maybe children (gasp). This is a new development in my dating MO especially since I have been so transient in the past few years. The key to what happens to my current attraction to Mr. X hinges on whether or not he gets the job at 4/4 University. He is supposed to find out tomorrow. Oddly, it never came up in our usual Sunday night conversation (1.5 hours). We talked about everything else. I will be seeing him in mid-May at a workshop at Ivy League University. (I believe Mr. X had a hand in getting my invited to this invitation only workshop).

The issue here is do I let Mr. X know about my feelings or do we continue our friendship as it is. What does it mean that a single man and a single woman talk on the phone (long distance) for at least three hours a week and by email almost everyday? Can I read anything into this?

Mr. X Again

Sadly, the rendevous did not pan out. My flight was delayed on Sunday and I missed him by 20 minutes. (Sigh) However, even if we had met up, our time would have been limited and constrained given that my flight was coordinated so I could return from my conference and simultaneously pick up our final job candidate of the season. (Have I revealed that as the only junior person in my department, I do all the airport runs for job candidates? The airport is an hour away and this is job candidate #8 this year!) Back to Mr. X.

So rather tham seeing him in person we engaged in our usual Sunday night routine of chatting on the phone. However, this time we were only an hour and a half apart. Mr. X was very nervous given that he was on his first campus visit. I am trying not to think about it too much lest I begin to obsess. I wonder what would happen to our relationship if we were actually in close proximity. I wonder if I have this crush on him BECAUSE he is largely unavailable? Would he drive me crazy if he was a regular part of my life in person? Despite these questions, I will be sadly disappointed if he does not get the job at 4/4 University. (This in and of itself merits a separate posting) Should I continue to pursue Mr. X or should I let it go? Help!

Why is the Spring Semester so Long?

Flowers are blooming. The weather is warm. Students have stopped reading (ok as if they ever started). Why is the spring semester so long? My mentor here here at Midwest University (MWU) cautioned me to very careful during the month of April because if there is going to be a department meltdown, it almost always happens in April. This maybe true in my own department and consequently I am avoiding being in the department unless it is absolutely necessary because I am the center of some unrest. I am in a department where I am the only junior person. The rest of my colleagues are full or associates with the majority being full professors. They have not had a junior colleague in many years and my position was one the department fought for. On the whole, my department is comprised of well intentioned white liberals who started their careers in the 1960s and 1970s. In fact the majority of my colleagues started their jobs before I was even born. Because they are white liberals they believe they are at the forefront of eradicating racial discrimination. What they don't get is that their model of race is profoundly paternalistic and racist. While I was appointed via a national search, I am constantly made to feel that as a woman of color that I am not grateful enough for the opportunities my white colleagues have offered me in their academic world. What my colleagues don't understand is that I have been mentored in grad school and beyond almost solely by non-white academics. The outdated racial understandings that I have encountered in my department is something out of a bad movie or one of those novels about academia. No one seems to remember that at the time of my appointment, I had multiple offers. My most recent "what's wrong with white people" (WWWWP) moment in my department has been over course offerings. It is assumed that the only thing that I am qualified to teach are topics that reflect my racial/ethnic background despite my interest in other courses. Why is it assumed that white academics can teach and research any subject/topic but academics of color can only contribute to academia vis a vis identity politics? This is just one small example. As I think about my first year in a t-t job, I can only think that it will not be a deadly blow that will take me down but the one million papercuts that will ulitimately do me in.

Happy to Be Home

It has finally happened. This is the first time I have thought of SMCT as home. After a long weekend of conferencing which was good fun it so nice to be back in my routine. The very things that make a conference fun---good food, hours at the bar, too much coffee---generally wreak havoc on a person's sleeping and eating habits. This is the first time I have attended this conference (which is one of three I attend each year) with a t-t job. Is it my imagination or did I receive better treatment this year with job than I have in previous years? If so, I find it depressing. What I found particularly interesting was the initial contact with academics I did not know.


Academic I do not know (Scans my name tag before deciding to speak to me)
Me (Pissed because I thought dude was looking at my chest)
Academic I do not know So how long have you been at Midwest U?
Me Not too long. (In my head--you creep)
Academic I do not know Do you know Prof. So and So?

And so begins an excruciating conversation. This happened to me three times on the first day of the conference. So as an experiment on day two, I decided not to wear my name tag. Not on person who I didn't know already approached me. I would get a chest scan, and they would move on. What accounts for this bizarre behavior?

Escape

Joy! I get to escapte SMCT until Sunday. I am headed off for a conference in major city. The only session I plan to attend is my own. It is interesting how a year in a t-t job can change everything. Whereas conferences were (ok still are) fraught with issues too numerous to deal with here, with a job I feel like I have a bit more breathing room. Aside from presenting my paper at 8:30 in the morning (aargh), I plan to:

1. Eat tasty ethnic food. In particular, sushi, Korean, and Mexican.
2. Shop for spring clothes. (Inspired by profgrll!)
3. Run by the water.
4. Talk to editor about the albatross that is my dissertation/book manuscript.
5. Hang out with academic girlfriends. (we have been planning this for a year!)
6. Forget about department drama. (Will post on this soon).

This weekend away will be a good distraction from Mr. X. However, Mr. X and I have a rendevous planned. Mr. X and I had a long conversation last night. He called me! I blew off the gym to chat. Then he called me in the office this morning which was a first. It took me off guard and it took me a moment to get my game back on. In fact, right before he called, I had called one of closest friends. She was with a student and had to call me back. When Mr. X called, I thought it was my girlfriend....

Me: Girl, don't put me off for a student. What has that student done for you lately?
Mr. X Hello? (puzzled)
Me Hello?
Mr. X Ms. Chosun?
Me Yes, who is this? (impatiently)
Mr. X It's me.
Me I am unclear who me is.
Mr. X Mr. X
Me Oh....hi...(warm and fuzzy)

We chatted for an hour or so which was nice given that I teach all day on Tuesday. He caught me during office hours. The downside was that I barely finished grading exams for my afternoon class. We talked a little a shop and in general just chatted. He sounded lonely and stressed. (He has a job interview next week) This is a good sign right? Oh, about our rendevous. I return from my conference on Sunday, he is flying into the same airport for his interview. We get in within forty minutes of each other so we are having coffee.

Mr. X

Now that I have outed myself as an academic it is time to out Mr. X. He is also a academic. I have committed the ultimate relationship no-no in academia. Never partner up with a academic especially if you are in the same discipline given the two-head one body problem. I know this "rule" yet I am like a moth to a flame when it comes to Mr. X. Should the fact that he is single in his forties be an issue? I have several girlfriends who say yes. I know the "smart" thing to do. I should leave well enough alone. But, I can't. For a number of reasons (another post) I want to pursue a relationship with Mr. X but I don't know how. I do know that I am the closest female friend he has ever had. He openly admits that he tells me things he has never told anyone else. (I am not quite there yet) We have a routine. We always talk on Sunday nights and Friday nights in keeping with our respective teaching schedules. We talk for at least an hour if not more. Even with all this phone time, we talk endlessly when we see each other in person.

I have also exhausted my bag of tricks to suggest that I may have more that friend feelings for him.

1. Cooked an elaborate meal for him.
2. Invited him for a talk at my home institution and put him up for the night.
3. Got him liquored up at a poorly lit bar.
4. Have engaged in low level flirting

What is a girl to do?